It's A Wonderful Life
by hellbrokeluce
Summary: Snapshots into the relationship of Frank Delfino and Laurel Castillo- one day (and year) at a time. [[flaurel headcannon/future fic/AU]] *COMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1

[[A/N: this chapter starts one year after sam keating's death and the events of season one of 'htgawm'. also, this fic has nothing really to do with the movie 'it's a wonderful life', but each chapter/day will be around Christmas, so...]]

*cross-posted from AO3*

* * *

_**2015**_.

He traced lazy circles across her back with his fingertips, leaning down to press a kiss against her shoulder.

_I love you_, he thought, burying his face in her hair. _Just say it, I love you... I need you_. "Hey," he cleared his throat. "I got you something."

Laurel had almost been asleep. She opened one eye, peering at him suspiciously. "Like... a Christmas present?"

Frank nodded. "I guess."

Laurel bit her lip, moving out of his embrace. "Frank, you didn't have to get me anything. I'm not your girlfriend."

"You say that like I don't know?" Frank sat up, annoyed, pulling the sheet with him. "I didn't get it because I had to. I just saw it and thought you could use it."

He reached over to the bedside table, opening a drawer. He pulled out a necklace.

Laurel sat up, peering at the delicate piece of jewelry in his palm. The little silver horn sparkled in the moonlight filtering through his bedroom window. "It's beautiful."

Frank shrugged nonchalantly, but she didn't miss the grin on his face. It made her grin, too.

He brought the chain around her neck, fastening it. "It's a cornicello," he explained. "They're good luck. I figured you can always use a little extra luck, right?"

"I didn't figure you for the superstitious type."

"I'm not superstitious. I'm Italian."

Laurel nodded, but didn't laugh at his joke. The smile was slowly sliding from her face.

Frank frowned. "Do you not like it?"

Laurel brought her hand up, twisting the little horn between her fingers. "No, Frank... I love it. It's just..."

He felt his stomach drop.

"...Kan is going to ask me to marry him, here on Christmas. He thinks it's going to be a big romantic surprise, but I already saw the ring."

Frank took a moment to absorb the information. He went through a storm of emotions, but tried to remain calm- at least, on the outside. He finally shrugged. "So, what? Kan hasn't stopped us this whole year we've been doing this now."

"Well, getting married is different. Isn't it?"

Frank barked out a laugh. "What, you're asking me?" He shifted around on the bed, taking her hands in his. He pulled her closer. "Laurel, I feel... I don't want this to be over."

They sat in silence for a long moment. Frank felt his heartbeat pounding in his chest; he wondered if Laurel could hear it.

"I'm sorry," Laurel whispered finally. "I just think we should stop seeing each other."


	2. Chapter 2

**_2016._**

The room was spinning as she crawled into bed.

Her head was pounding, her mouth dry. She curled herself underneath the warm, heavy blanket, cradling her phone against her face.

_Maybe he won't answer,_ Laurel thought, listening to the faint ring across the line. _Sometimes he doesn't. How many times are you going to do this to him? To yourself?_

She was just about to hang up, to give up and throw the phone across the room. The tears were already stinging her eyes, though she knew she had no real right to them. But then-

"Hello?"

His voice was like a glass of water after months in the desert. Laurel held the phone tighter, greedy.

"Frank!" she breathed. She wiped at her face, sniffing. "Hey. I didn't think you were going to answer."

"Of course I'm gonna pick up," Frank sighed. "It's the only time I get to talk to you, after you've had a couple drinks. At least one of us can handle your terms."

Laurel chuckled despite herself. "I know, I'm sorry... I don't know why I keep doing this."

She could practically hear Frank's shrug. "Me, either. You're the one that broke up with me."

"We weren't even dating-"

"Whatever. Whatever it was, you called it off. And you told me to leave you alone. But you're the one that keeps calling me up every couple months."

"I know," Laurel whimpered. The tear slid down her cheek. "I know. But I just... miss you." She rolled over, folding inside of herself even deeper, pulling the blanket over her head. She fingered the charm around her neck. "Do you miss me? At all?"

"Laurel... you know I do."

She smiled into her pillow. The line was silent, and she simply listened to the sound of his breathing, content for the moment.

"So," Frank sighed finally. "When's the wedding?"

"Two weeks."

Frank let out a low whistle.

"I know," she laughed softly, sadly. "I'm scared."

"Well, the Laurel I know never let that stop her from doing the right thing."

"You think I'm doing the right thing? Marrying Kan?"

"Yeah," he swallowed. "Merry Christmas, Laurel. I'm hanging up now."

The phone dropped out of her hand, and she cried herself to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

** _2017._ **

He doesn't know what he's doing here. Well, he knows- _to see Laurel, obviously_\- but he is suddenly feeling unsure about his plan. If you could even call it a plan.

So far it has been a success, he supposed- he had managed an invitation to this terrible Christmas party. And Laurel and Kan were supposed to be here-

Not yet, though. Frank had cased the whole party, no sign of them yet. Maybe they were running late. Maybe they wouldn't be here at all. Maybe his information had been wrong.

He needed a drink.

Frank made his way to the bar, running a hand through his beard. He tried to stay relaxed, but just thinking of Laurel made that feel almost impossible. It had been so long since he'd seen her- really seen her. He'd only caught glimpses of her here and there, at the courthouse and around town. Frank wasn't too proud to use his skills to make sure they crossed paths every now and then.

Some might call that stalking- hell, maybe it was. He didn't care.

It's not like he ever approached her- stolen, far-off glances was all he would allow himself. Laurel had made it pretty clear that she didn't want anything to do with him after the wedding. Even though it killed him inside, he was oddly proud of her- she was finally sticking to her guns. She hadn't called him, drunk or otherwise, in almost ten months now. That had been his last real thread to her, and now it was gone.

He missed those sloppy phone calls. He missed the sound of her voice, emotional and vulnerable, whispering into his ear, breaking for him.

Frank threw back a stiff shot, motioning for another. He surveyed the bar while he waited.

There was a girl not too far away, about the same age as Laurel. With long, dark hair and pale skin, she even kind of looked like Laurel- maybe if he had a couple more drinks in him, he could take her home and pretend her face wasn't all wrong... she was pretty enough, but she wasn't Laurel.

After taking another shot, Frank turned and scanned the party once more. He decided that if they weren't here yet, he was just going home. He wasn't even going to talk to the almost-Laurel; he would just jerk off in the shower and go to bed and try to pretend that this night never happened. He felt like a lovesick schoolboy. A damn fool.

But then- "Frank!"

His felt his stomach clench. He turned. Laurel was sliding next to him, placing her shiny little clutch on the bar top.

"I didn't know you were going to be here," she looked at him, eyebrow raised almost suspiciously.

Frank took in her appearance hungrily, trying to memorize every detail now that he was seeing her this close after a year of lusting from afar. Especially when she looked better than he could even dream: dressed to the nines in a hot little red cocktail dress, her toned legs going on forever underneath the short skirt, ending in strappy nude heels. Her hair piled up on her head in a messy-yet-sophisticated way, putting her graceful pale throat on display, begging to be kissed, to be bitten. He was imagining doing just that when he noticed the delicate silver chain roped around her neck, the shiny little cornicello nestled down between her breasts.

Seeing the necklace- _his necklace_\- was enough to make him hard.

Laurel saw where he was looking, reaching up to take the charm in her fingers. "I didn't know you were going to be here," she repeated.

Frank shrugged, trying to be casual. He felt sweaty. He didn't know what to say- his plan hadn't been formed this far. "Laurel," he cleared his throat. "How's the husband?"

Even in the dim bar lighting, he could see her blushing. She nodded out to the party, where Frank could make out Kan's dark figure, laughing with a local politician. "He's... fine."

Laurel turned to the approaching bartender, ordering two drinks. She avoided looking over at Frank. It was awkward. She appeared as if she'd rather be anywhere else. He silently berated himself.

_What had he been thinking? Was this what he wanted? Did this get him off now- fucking torturing himself?_

"I guess that I should go," he said finally, lamely. He finished the last of his drink, and pushed off from the bar, taking a step away. "Nice necklace."

Laurel reached out. She touched his arm. It froze him in his tracks. "Well, it's broken."

He looked back at her, eyes narrowed. "It doesn't look broken."

"It must be. I mean, I guess I'm pretty lucky in some things- I'm married to a great guy, and he's in line for a big promotion that would be really good for us." Her eyes darted over across the room to Kan, who was still thoroughly engrossed with his mingling. Her hand was still on his arm. She squeezed it slightly. "But... if I'm so lucky, why am I so unhappy all the time?"

Frank moved back towards the bar. He moved a hand on top of hers, squeezing her cool fingers comfortingly. Her wedding ring dug into his palm.

"How can I help you, Laurel?"


	4. Chapter 4

_**2018.** _

Laurel is exhausted. The plane touches down and all she can think about is getting to her hotel and taking a long, hot shower and maybe even squeezing in a power nap before she's supposed to meet Annalise for dinner. She slings the strap of her carry-on across her shoulder and zombie-walks her way off the plane and towards the gate, letting the crowd of people shuffle her along.

At the luggage claim, she checks her phone. The requisite message from Kan back home in California, asking her to touch base once she checks into the hotel, wanting to make sure her flight went smoothly.

They'd only been in San Francisco for about four months, Kan's wonderful promotion having relocated them. Kan was a natural Californian- a natural San Franciscan, especially- but Laurel was having trouble adjusting.

It's not like Philly was her true home, either- but, somehow, she already felt more comfortable here in the airport than she had back this whole time in their charmingly trendy two-bedroom apartment near the Bay.

She tapped her foot in time with the cheery Christmas music piping through the airport speakers. After looking up to make sure she hadn't missed her suitcase yet, she looks back at her phone.

She considers calling Frank. She wonders if he would even pick up.

The months before the big move to California had been some of the happiest of her life. Sure, she had spent them cheating on her husband nonstop, which probably made her a terrible person. But she hadn't cared. She'd had Frank again.

It had been more than just sex- though the sex had been mind-blowing; some of the most passionate lovemaking they'd ever shared. But she'd also had her friend back- her best friend, honestly. She'd had the one person who truly understood her back in her life.

He had never even pressed the issue of her divorcing Kan. He understood her reasons- even though Laurel herself didn't understand them most days. Especially the days she had spent wrapped in Frank's arms.

It had been so easy with Frank to just pretend that stuff like that didn't matter. That is, until the real world kicked back in.

When she'd told him that Kan's promotion was taking them away, all the way to the west coast, Frank had been devastated. It had killed her, hurting him like that.

And she hadn't even returned any of his attempted phone calls or anything, the entire time she'd been gone. She told herself that it was for his benefit- that he deserved better, needed to move on. But the truth was that she was afraid- what if he would finally come right out and ask her to leave Kan? Ask her to come back? She was afraid that she just might say 'yes'.

He probably hated her now. It was probably for the best.

She finally saw her suitcase coming around the conveyor belt and grabbed it. She hefted it up and struggled to adjust her carry-on to make everything work without toppling over.

It wasn't successful. A hand reached out to steady her as she began to fall. A strong arm caught her, pulling her suitcase over and setting her right.

"Let me help," a familiar, friendly voice offered. She could hear the smile in it.

Laurel dropped her bags to the ground, throwing her arms around Frank's neck. She inhaled his scent, burying her face in the crook of his neck. He smelled just the same as she remembered.

His arms came around her, pulling her up into his tight embrace. He squeezed her so tightly that she couldn't even breathe, and she didn't care.

"Frank!" she gasped. "What are you even doing here?"

She didn't want to let him go. He kept his arms around her, only loosening them enough to pull back and look into her face. He brought his hands up, pushing her hair back and holding her cheeks between his large palms.

"I figured I would save you a cab ride and pick you up. Figured you could use a friendly face after a long flight."

Laurel was crying. A storm of emotions was engulfing her: joy, at seeing Frank's face again- somehow he was even more handsome than before she had left.  
Relief, that he did not actually hate her, that he was actually excited  
to see her. Shame, at how she had been treating him in the months since she'd been gone.

"Hey, now," he wiped a tear away with his thumb. "Cut it out."

"I know, I'm sorry..." Laurel shook her head. "I just-"

Frank cut her off. "Laurel, I get it. Let's just get out of this airport, ok?"

Laurel laughs, and nods. He grabs her bags- with ease, teasing her about her struggles with them- and they make their way out to his car.

Laurel can't even remember the last time that she genuinely smiled like this.

They make small talk as they drive. Frank asks about San Francisco, and for the first time Laurel doesn't feel like she has to lie about it. She tells him how much she hates it, that she feels so out of touch with all of the people there. She tells him about her issues finding a job, and- even though Kan's salary is enough to carry them- how worthless it makes her feel.

Frank just listens, like always- she's missed being listened to, the way only Frank can listen, instead of the way Kan just brushes off her problems, or tries to just go over her head and fix everything.

Laurel doesn't even say anything when they drive straight to his place. She had already cancelled her hotel reservation.


	5. Chapter 5

** _2019._ **

Laurel sighed, swinging her legs over her side of the bed. Wrapping her naked body up in the thin sheet, she left her husband in bed- still sleeping deeply and serenely- and with a last look over her shoulder at him, she shuts the door behind her.

She makes her way through their apartment and out to her usual spot- the small balcony out back. Practically overflowing with all of the potted plants that she tended to almost obsessively, with her favorite wicker chair right in the middle, surrounded by the greenery... her balcony was probably her favorite place in all of San Francisco.

Kan always joked that she maybe needed to get out more. Over the last couple months, though, his tone had become less of a friendly tease and perhaps slightly more of a frustrated dig.

Laurel pretended not to notice.

She tried to spend as much time out there as she could with herself and her plants and her thoughts. She often found herself snuggled there in those early hours of the morning while still firmly in the grips of her insomnia.

Folding her long legs underneath her, she settles down into her chair and tries to make herself comfortable. She can hear the first few birds of the day starting to chirp, and closes her eyes to relish in the sensation of the cool morning air on her bare face and shoulders.

Out here, alone, her thoughts almost always turn to Frank. This morning was no different.

Laurel had grabbed her phone from the charger off of her bedside table before she had come outside. She pulled it out now, scrolling through her text messages until she found his last one-

_'I love you.'_ From a week ago.

She wiped away the tear forming in her eye before it could even fall.

One of the main things that had kept their long-distance affair afloat the whole time, Laurel was certain, was the strict schedule of safe times to call and text each other. It wasn't nearly often enough to truly satisfy either of them, of course, but it worked well enough to keep Kan in the dark.

That was the most important thing to Laurel. She and Kan had their issues and though she maybe wasn't 'in love' with him, she still cared for him. He was a good man, with a good heart. Laurel sometimes wondered if she perhaps hadn't married him hoping that some of that goodness would rub off on her eventually.

And sometimes she felt like maybe it had, a little bit. Not enough to make her cut Frank out of her life completely- doing so, she felt, would be as if she were cutting off her own arm, or some other integral part of herself. But enough so that she didn't actively want to hurt her husband, to witness her own selfish actions cause him pain.

She had made a commitment to Kan, and she didn't take that commitment lightly. Even with her adultery- hell, maybe because of it- Laurel wanted to be a good wife in every other respect. But she had also long ago realized that she not only was truly in love with Frank- desperately and hopelessly and foolishly in love with him- but that she needed Frank in her life. Desperately.

It pained her to think of how things were between them currently- to feel that uncertainty again, to wonder if he even still wanted anything to do with her.

She winced as she remembered their last phone call, a few days previous. It had been ugly.

During a business call with Annalise, discussing Laurel's upcoming trip east, the older woman had remarked, rather nonchalantly, about one of her promising new interns. "Frank's new girl," she had called her.

The very words had made Laurel feel like vomiting.

Laurel still wasn't sure how much Annalise knew about her ongoing relationship with Frank. Neither had told her, but that didn't mean anything when it came to Annalise- that they both were sure of.

But Annalise had mentioned the girl- intentionally or not, it didn't matter. After that, Laurel couldn't get her out of her mind.

Even though being 'Frank's Girl' in the eyes of Bonnie and Annalise didn't exactly mean they were sleeping together, Laurel had a terrible feeling about it. She obsessed over it for days, torturing herself by imagining Frank with another woman- one that was not only younger than her and probably prettier that her, but also two thousand miles closer than her.

Laurel finally ended up breaking down. She broke her own rules, and called outside of their scheduled safe days. She didn't even say hello, had simply spit the question out venomously over the line as soon as he picked up.

"Who is she?"

Frank had promised her years ago that he would never again lie to her, and so he told her the truth: her name was Sarah, and she was indeed one of the new students. She had been pursuing him tirelessly the whole semester, and he had turned her down every time- enough times that even Bonnie was getting suspicious about the whole thing.

But in a moment of weakness, he had finally caved.

"I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't want you to find out like this," he apologized softly, his voice cracking.

Laurel could count on one hand the number of times she had seen- or heard- this man cry. Most of them had been her fault. But this time, she was crying, too, listening to his confession- heaving, body-wracking sobs into the phone that had her doubled over in physical pain.

"I have no excuse," Frank continued, "Other than the fact that I... was lonely. I just miss you so fucking much. It's hard to be alone, all the time."

"I thought you loved me, Frank."

"You know I love you! How can you even think for a second that I don't?" His tone grew angry. "You know, I haven't been with anyone but you in almost five years, Laurel. Does that even matter to you? The longest relationship I have ever been in is with a married woman on the opposite side of the country."

"Frank-"

"No, Laurel, listen- I don't know if I can do this any more. This is... killing me. Five years that you tell me you love me, and then you turn around and tell Kan the same thing. You come here and fuck me, and then fly home and fuck him. He gets to see you and be with you every single day, and I get scheduled phone calls and conjugal visits, like a damn prisoner. It's not fair, Laurel. How long are you going to make me suffer for you?"

Laurel had hung up the phone then. She couldn't bear to listen to his words anymore. She knew they were true- and though that had been the first time Frank had said the words out loud, she knew they had been just there under the surface, brewing for years.

He was suffering, and it was all her fault.

Maybe there was no good in her, after all.


	6. Chapter 6

** _2020._ **

Frank stretches out with a great yawn before burrowing deeper underneath his pile of blankets. Eyes still closed and half asleep, he reaches across the bed to touch Laurel.

He's noticed that whenever she is physically next to him, he often finds himself reaching out to her randomly, almost subconsciously, as if to reassure himself that she's not just a figment of his imagination.

He feels around for a second, but finds only her cool pillow and rumpled sheet.

Cocking his head slightly, he can just faintly make out the sounds of pans clanging together and cheery Christmas music floating towards him from the kitchen. He grins to himself.

Frank had to admit, this was the best Christmas Morning he'd had since he was a kid.

He had already been excited that he finally- finally, after all these years- was able to spend both Christmas Eve and Day with Laurel. She had been scheduled to leave that night, but Frank was trying to not focus on that detail and make the most of what he could get.

Then she had woken him up at five in the morning, positively giddy. "Look!" she had crowed excitedly, shoving her phone in his face. "My flight's been grounded because of the snowstorm!"

"For how long?"

"They don't know- at least a couple days, they think!"

"Well, hot damn! It's a Christmas miracle!" Frank had whooped with excitement, laughing and pulling her into his arms.

Their playful kisses had then turned to heated ones, and their roaming hands found their purpose, and when he finally pushed himself inside of her it felt like he was coming home.

Laurel was his home, of this he was certain. He'd been with plenty of women before, and even felt like he had been in love with maybe a few of them. But if love was what he felt for Laurel, in the past he had been mistaken.

Frank didn't understand how one single person could make him feel so much. He was still, after all this time, dazzled by both her beauty and her brain. Knowing that she cared for him made him feel like he was at the top of the world.

But then, at the same time, she also often confused the hell out of him, and frustrated him to no end. He knew there was not another woman on earth he would suffer for as much he had, all these years, for Laurel.

When she was in San Francisco it was especially hard. The loneliness he felt without her was something he carried around deep- it was a physical ache that he could feel in his bones.

They had taken a break of about four months, just over a year ago. After years of the same run-around, the same games, the distance and the loneliness and the pain had built up, too much for him to handle any longer. He had called it all off.

He had thought he would finally feel free, feel relief. But the result of their separation, not being able to have her at all... it had been a dark time for Frank.

Lots of drinking. Lots of angry brooding, that he knew had pissed Bonnie and Annalise off to no end. Lots of contemplation, as well- mainly of flying to California and finally doing what he had been craving for years: murdering Kan.

That had always been one of Laurel's most explicit rules: _don't kill Kan._

Laurel knew what it was that Frank did for a living, everything that his role in Annalise's office entailed. That information had been divulged along with their long-ago promise to never lie to one another again.

Frank had been surprised at the relief he had felt at finally telling her the whole truth- she was the first person he had ever told. And she understood; she hadn't ran screaming for the hills.

Any other woman probably would have. They weren't Laurel, obviously.

But just because she understood didn't mean that she didn't hate it. She loathed that part of him. It was yet another obstacle keeping them apart. She told him that she could love a hitman- she had no choice in that, she said- but she didn't think she had it in her to ever marry one. The risks his job entailed made that line of thinking dangerous for both of them.

Frank had understood. He truly did. But just because he understood didn't mean that he didn't hate it.

Even though his desire to dispose of Kan had been overwhelmingly strong, he had known that would never be an option. It would have not only been crossing a line in a big way- he killed for business, not for pleasure- but he also knew that killing her husband would probably be the only thing that would push Laurel away from him forever.

If their break taught him anything, he now knew that was the last thing he wanted. He realized that he simply had to have her in his life, at least in some capacity.

Frank rolled over, pulling the drawer of his nightstand open. He fumbled around until he pulled out the tiny black box hiding there.

He knew that he wanted to be with Laurel, forever. He would take their current arrangement, if it came down to it, but he had wondered for a while now if there were perhaps a different option.

Frank knew that marriage was a whole different ball game that what they had now... he had never even felt the urge to fall for all that house-and-wife-and-2.5-kids bullshit before. But that was before Laurel.

Unfortunately for him, the woman he wanted to marry was- of course- already married and she had made it clear to him that divorce was hardly an option for her. Blame it on her strict Catholic upbringing, his occupation, her own damn stubbornness, or anything else. It didn't really matter.

Frank opened the box, eyeing the ring. It was simple- certainly not as fancy as the diamond-encrusted bauble she had now. A single solitary stone, set atop an elegantly engraved band.

He had just walked past it one day and purchased it completely on a whim- he just knew that it would one day be hers.

That had been probably two years ago. He had been holding onto it ever since, waiting for the perfect moment to ask. He even decided that, if she would just say 'yes', he would do just about anything to make it really work between them.

He could get a different job. Or, stay in the same job- minus the murder, with a few other adjustments. The idea of leaving Annalise completely made him only slightly nervous- _what other skills did he have? What was he supposed to even do?_

It didn't matter; he was determined to figure it out. They could start a whole new life together. It sounded cheesy as hell- like the plot of a bad Lifetime movie- but the thought of it kind of excited him.

He climbed out of bed, pulling on some pajama pants and tucking the ring into his pocket.

Maybe the day was today. Maybe everything- the snow storm, the canceled flight- maybe it was all a sign.

_The perfect moment._

Frank made his way to the kitchen, the music getting louder. It was 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' blasting through the tiny speakers, and Laurel was surprisingly into it.

He knew that she was simply not the biggest fan of the holidays- not to go so far as to say she hated them, but was normally rather ambivalent towards them. You wouldn't know it looking at her now, though.

She hadn't noticed his approach, so Frank leaned against the doorway and simply watched her. He couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face.

Laurel was bouncing around the stove, alternately using a spatula to stir up the scrambled eggs in the pan in front of her and as an imaginary microphone. As she spun around and around, the tiny silver horn around her neck sparkled in the sunlight.

She was not the best dancer even in the best of circumstances, if Frank were to be completely honest, but now she was totally lost in the moment and downright silly. As if seeing her so carefree wasn't enough to make him fall in love with her all over again, she was clad in only his large pajama shirt and nothing else, and as she bounced and shook her hips he was granted the most delicious view of her ass.

So he definitely wasn't complaining.

She was doing what looked like some type of jig now, and Frank laughed before he could even stop himself.

Laurel heard him, spinning around. A wide grin split her face. "Frank!"

She bounced over to him, jumping into his arms. Frank caught her easily, bringing her long naked legs around his waist as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He felt the egg-y spatula against his bare shoulder, but didn't even care.

She was laughing, smiling, glowing. She was here, and she was his. He pressed a kiss against her still sleep-messy hair, her eyebrow, her mouth.

He pushed the ring in his pocket out of his mind. Maybe this moment was just perfect enough as it was.

* * *

[[A/N: there! now and AO3 are on the same page. hope you all are enjoying it! please comment and let me know what you think!]]


	7. Chapter 7

**_2021._**

The little boy couldn't be more than two or three years old. His curly orange hair poked out from under his fuzzy hat in every direction, and both his cheeks and his little button nose were still red from the cold wind outside.

He looked back towards the door, half-tucked behind his mother's leg as the woman approached the counter to look up at the various coffees and lattes listed above them on the menu board. He smiled at Laurel shyly.

Laurel smiled back, wiggling her fingers at him. The boy looked around, as if making sure that she was gesturing to him, and then waved a mitten-clad hand at her. He buried his face in his mother's knee, blushing.

"Glad to know I'm not the only man under your spell," Frank teased into her ear, sliding up to her side with a coffee in each hand. He passed one off to her, using his now-free hand to open the door so that they could step outside of the coffee shop. Laurel tucked her scarf up tighter against the chilly gust of air that assaulted them.

It was snowing, turning the streets of Philadelphia into a picturesque winter wonderland. It was like being in the middle of a snow globe. She could feel the soft, fat flakes melting against her face on impact as they walked.

Frank sipped his coffee, slipping his gloved fingers over hers, pulling both of their hands into his coat pocket for warmth. "Do you think we'll ever have a kid someday?" he asked, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen between them.

His tone was totally casual and non-threatening, but Laurel felt herself automatically bristle. "Why?"

"I don't know, isn't that what people are supposed to want? Someday?" Frank laughed, his warm breath turning to a white puff in the cold air. "Besides, any kid of ours would be freakin' adorable."

Laurel nodded, but her mind was a million miles away._ Isn't that what people are supposed to want?_ echoed inside of her brain. _Isn't it?_

For the last eight months, Kan had been asking her the very same thing. He had made it clear that a baby was the next step that he saw in their marriage- that it had been long enough waiting for it to 'just happen' on it's own, and it was time to start actively trying to conceive.

Each subsequent month that had passed, heralded each time by her period, was another failure in her husband's eyes. His disappointment in her was harder for him to hide each time- sometimes his eyes fell on her like daggers, sharp enough to cut to the bone.

Kan's mother and aunties had visited over Thanksgiving and had practically smelled the inadequacy on her. Laurel knew that- underneath their saccharine sympathy- they believed that it was her own fault; that if only Kan had married a nice Indian girl, he would be blessed with a home full of bouncing baby boys by now.

She couldn't entirely blame them.

Mindlessly, Laurel reached up and rubbed her arm where she had been injected with her shot of depot medroxyprogesterone acetate that very morning.

Birth control.

She felt terrible about lying to Kan about yet another thing, but didn't know what else to do. It wasn't like a baby was in the cards for her.

Not only was there the simple logic of the situation- she could not risk getting pregnant with Frank's child as long as she was still married to Kan, that was certain- but the thought of actually having a child honestly just terrified her.

Laurel was a bad person; she had accepted this about herself. She was extremely selfish, and sometimes downright cruel. She had committed truly terrible acts in her life, and- while she wasn't exactly proud of them- she didn't feel quite as bad about them as she figured someone who wasn't just a truly awful human being would.

Laurel also simply did not love her husband. She had given up trying to circumvent or sugar-coat that undeniable fact a long time ago. She could not imagine having a child with a man she did not truly love.

If she couldn't love her husband, a genuinely good man, could she ever love a baby? What if she was simply too rotten inside to love anything that was good and pure?

She looked up at Frank then, and saw him looking down at her.

Frank, with his easy smile and warm eyes that sparked every time he looked at her.

Frank, who loved her so wonderfully and completely; loved all of her- even the parts of her that were messed up and twisted and bad.

Frank, who never complained about taking her to go get her birth control in secret, and always took her out for her favorite coffee afterwards.

Laurel stopped there in the middle of the sidewalk, with fat snowflakes falling all around them, and stood up on her tip toes. She pressed a warm kiss to his soft lips.

"Thank you," she smiled against his mouth.

Frank smiled back. "For what?"

"Everything."


	8. Chapter 8

**_2022._**

"Could you pass me that lighter?"

Kan looked around briefly in the direction she was pointing, his gaze falling finally to the top of the stove. With a triumphant 'ah-ha!' he tossed it underhand to Laurel. It sailed smoothly through the kitchen, into the dining room and right into the palm of her hand- to both of their surprise.

Laurel laughed, throwing her fist in the air triumphantly. "Yeah!"

Kan chuckled with a shake of his head, turning back to the mushrooms currently sautéing on the stovetop, shuffling them around with his spatula.

Laurel sniffed the air, groaning appreciatively. "That smells so good!" She flicked the lighter on, lighting the candles she had placed in the center of the small table in their silver holder. "I am positively starving."

"It's almost done," Kan assured her. He looked over at her, at the fully dressed place settings- with the good china plates, the crystal wine glasses- and at the candles now lit. "Well, isn't that just romantic."

Laurel grinned at him, straightening the napkin and cutlery in front of her. "Well, we're celebrating, aren't we? Figured now was as good as a time as any to use all those fancy wedding gifts we got before it's too late."

Kan simply shrugged, his attention getting drawn back to the stove. "Come get this salad ready?" He nodded his head to the counter where the salad fixings lay waiting to be washed and tossed together.

As she made her way back to the kitchen, she craned her neck over to see the television playing in the living room. "You sure we haven't missed it yet?"

Kan shook his head. He had been looking over at the television every few minutes, on edge. "No, it won't start until after the news. We still have plenty of time to eat, I'm sure."

After running the head of lettuce underneath the cool water, she began pulling it apart and tossing the pieces into the salad bowl. "Do you think many couples have romantic dinners to celebrate their divorce?"

Kan simply laughed, and Laurel smiled again. He had always had such a good laugh- a booming, full-belly guffaw that she had heard more in the six months that they had been officially separated, it seemed, than in their years of their marriage combined.

She couldn't believe that it had already been half a year since he had come to her with the divorce papers.

After almost a year of trying for a baby, Laurel had put her foot down and put an end to their efforts once and for all. His growing offhanded comments, hinting of a visit to the fertility doctor, had been the final straw.

"I don't even know if I want a child at all!" Laurel had screamed at him one night. The discussion they had both been putting off and off had finally exploded out of the both of them most terribly.

She hadn't needed him to tell her that he had felt like a baby was the missing piece, the magical key that would have saved them, saved their relationship. She had known all along.

And maybe a baby would have helped. Laurel didn't know- at that point, she had hardly known anything anymore, except that she was tired.

Tired of lying. Tired of keeping the selfish and angry and dark parts of herself hidden from her husband- if he wanted her to carry his child, it was time that he finally saw her true and terrible self.

Laurel had been ready to confess then, to confess every awful misdeed she had committed against her husband. He would hate her, and she was glad for it- it was exactly what she deserved.

Turns out, she hadn't needed to. Even now, Kan still knew nothing about Frank. For Kan, her giving up on trying to conceive was the same as giving up on their relationship and that was enough.

Just like that... it had been over.

"We've been floundering for a long time, Laurel," Kan had said. "I don't think we can save this, so let's just end it before it gets any worse. We are simply heading in two different directions." And then he had held her as she cried- not tears of heartbreak and anguish, as he had assumed, but tears of pure and unadulterated relief.

It was as if a giant weight had been lifted off of her shoulders- off of both of their shoulders. Since their decision to separate, things between them had truly never been better.

Laurel began seeing glimpses of the Kan she had first met all those years ago- the carefree and charismatic man that had made her believe that perhaps there was good in this world, that perhaps she could even be a part of it.

She realized that, as much of a prison their marriage had been for her, it had been one for Kan also.

And now... they were both free.

She looked across the kitchen at him then. He was looking off towards the television, distracted.

She knew he was nervous- today was big for him in more ways than one. In addition to their divorce being finalized that very morning, after dinner there would be a televised press conference that would be putting multiple plans into action throughout the city of San Francisco. It was hoped that his involvement in these plans would be simply the first step, paving the way for a possible political career for him.

Kan's star was rising, and Laurel was more than happy to be stepping out of the spotlight now before it became too much. As Kan had said- and as she had honestly known for a long time- their lives were simply heading in two different directions, and Laurel knew exactly where her's was leading her- back to Pennsylvania.

_To Frank._

It had been difficult, but Laurel had somehow managed to keep her divorce under wraps. The whole process had taken longer than she had anticipated, but now that everything had finally been finalized she was positively brimming with excitement.

Christmas was just a few days away. She already had her plane ticket purchased, and was positively giddy at the thought of surprising him by showing up on his doorstep to tell him the good news in person, to see the look on his face when she told him that she was there to stay.

Laurel was humming to herself, slicing tomatoes, when Kan's voice called out from the living room.

She hadn't even noticed him leave the kitchen. His voice startled her; her knife slipped and sliced her finger. She hissed in pain, watching the blood bead up and fall into the cutting board.

"Hey, El," Kan was repeating. "Didn't you work with this guy?"

"What? Who?" Her brow furrowed in confusion, Laurel made her way across the apartment. She wiped her hands down the front of her pants, and the blood from her finger streaked the khaki.

She didn't even notice.

"Holy shit, did you know he was in the mob?" Kan was saying. His voice sounded miles away.

Laurel could barely even register him standing next to her- her eyes were focused on the news story playing out in front of her. Her heart was pounding, in her ears and in her head, but words floated through to her in waves:

_"-a grizzly double homicide-"_

_"Two victims-"_

_"-possibly mob-related-"_

_"-remains identified-"_

_"Frank Delfino."_

Frank's face was on the television screen. She closed her eyes, trying to shut it out.

_This couldn't be real. There was a mistake._

Kan reached out, touching her shoulder. "El, you alright?"

Laurel tore her arm away from his fingers. This had to be a mistake. A sick joke.

She opened her mouth to speak, but no words formed.

_Frank was dead._

But he couldn't be- just that morning, they had talked on the phone. She had been on her way to the divorce attorney, had been too busy to talk.

"Alright, then," Frank had pouted good-naturedly, "if you're too busy for me now, I'll just call you again tonight after I get home. I love you."

"I love you, too. Now, leave me alone," she had teased. They had hung up, both laughing.

_He had promised that he would call her back._

And she was supposed to be flying out to see him in just three days. Laurel though of the ring she had already packed away in her suitcase, of the proposal she had already planned out:

_'We've waited long enough. We deserve each other'... 'I love you. I don't want to spend another moment without you.'_

Frank was dead.

_'I love you.'_

Laurel closed her eyes. The room was spinning, becoming unbearably small on her. She felt suffocated.

_Frank was dead._

She tried to take a step back, and faltered. Kan tried to catch her, but she crashed to her knees. She immediately fell forward onto her hands, and threw up on the floor.

* * *

[[A/N: I put off writing this chapter for days :( ]]


	9. Chapter 9

(5 Years Later)

* * *

**_2027._ **

The ground is cold and wet.

Laurel can feel the mud soaking through the knees of her jeans, but doesn't mind. She reaches forward, clearing the scattered leaves and debris that were scattered about Frank Delfino's headstone.

As she works, she wonders if perhaps she should make a point to come back east more often, to visit it and make sure his headstone didn't fall into disrepair, or end up subjected to the various vandals that haunted this place.

This specific cemetery, it seemed, was just small enough, hidden away out of town just enough to attract hooligans- bored teenagers wanting to impress their friends; to cause damage but without any real fear of getting caught, or of anyone even caring. All around Frank's headstone were numerous grave markers, either smashed to bits or graffitied upon.

The disrespect made Laurel sick to her stomach.

So far, though, in the five years that she had been coming to visit, Frank's grave had remained untouched. For that, she was grateful. The only indication of any disturbances to it at all were the remains of her usual offering, left still from her visit the year previous.

She wondered if anyone even came to visit this grave at all, other than her.

After brushing the dirt off of the face of the stone, she reaches into her bag, pulling out the flowers she had brought. They were the same as the ones she had brought to his grave last year, and the year before that.

Laurels.

Franks had told her long ago that laurel flowers were his favorite. She had laughed, teasing him.

"You're smooth," she had commended him. "And I bet if my name were 'Rose', you would think differently?"

Frank had conceded that they hadn't been his favorite before he had met her. But it wasn't just the connection to the woman he loved that made them stand out in his book. "Laurels have all kinds of symbolic meaning," he had informed her, matter-of-factly. "Glory and ambition. A will to survive. But also, perfidy."

Laurel had been confused. "How can anything be glorious and also treacherous?"

Frank had only laughed then, kissing her on the forehead. "You tell me."

All in all, there was no denying that laurels were an appropriate flower for Frank. Much like Laurel herself, the two just… clicked.

Hell, they even looked the part. She stood up then, brushing the mud as best as she could off of her pants, and looked down at the white flowers, the red markings smearing the delicate petals as if they were splattered with blood.

Thinking of Frank, her fingers almost subconsciously came up to clasp the charm around her neck- the little cornicello she still wore, every day. She pulled it out to inspect it. Even after over a decade of continuous wear, it still shone just as brightly as that night he had given it to her.

She hugged herself, remembering that night- how content and perfect she had felt there, laying in Frank's arms, before she had made that fateful decision that had led her so far away from him for so long.

How Laurel wished she could turn back the clock to change that very decision- to chose Frank instead of Kan, to have confessed to Frank then just how much he had meant to her. How much she loved him. Who even knows how very different both of their lives would have turned out in that case.

All those years they had spent drifting closer together and yet further apart. All those years, wasted.

A car horn honks, directly behind her. It startles her out of her thoughts, and she looks over her shoulder to see the source.

Her husband is sitting in the front seat of their rental car. The door is open, despite the chilly December air, and his long legs are sprawled out to the side, his shoes out in the snow. A small girl with long pigtails, bundled up in a puffy pink coat and earmuffs, sits in his lap and is trying to reach for the horn again.

Laurel can hear her daughter's peals of laughter, ringing out into the quiet winter afternoon. She can even see the two-year-old's toothy grin, shining brighter than the sun as she looks up adoringly at her father. He is trying to be stern with her, holding her small arm well out of reach of the steering wheel.

He's trying, but failing- Laurel can hear him chuckling. She figures that Frank will probably always be a sucker for girls with long dark hair and big blue eyes.

The two in the car both look up at the same time, looking over at Laurel. Carina raises up her mittened hand, waving at her mother. Laurel wiggles her fingers back.

"You almost ready?" Frank calls over to her, shifting Carina off of his lap and into his arms. "We should probably get on the road again before that snow they're calling for starts up."

Laurel nods, looking back at the headstone.

She didn't know the name of the man who was buried underneath the headstone that was engraved with Frank Delfino's name. Frank had never told her the details of what he had done; the lengths that he had gone through to ensure that the two of them would be able to have a life and a family together- one that didn't involve constantly looking over their shoulders, forever fearing for their safety.

_How can anything be glorious and also treacherous?_

Laurel hadn't truly known then, when she had asked, but she felt like she had a better understanding of the concept now. Life had many things in it that were good, and many that were evil. But what of the things that were in the middle- the dark place where all the things that were terrible and beautiful and frightening and wonderful resided?

She didn't know where the nameless man in Frank's grave had resided on that scale, the scale of good and evil. But she knew that his death had given her a second chance at happiness, and it was not something she was going to take for granted.

Not for a single moment.

As Laurel made her way back to the car, a light dusting of snow began to fall around them. She closed her eyes, and smiled.

* * *

[[A/N: well! that's it for this story! i hope everyone enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed coming up with it. to be honest, this is my first multi-chapter fic that i've ever attempted/completed! it isn't much, i know, but i sure am proud of it. i am looking forward to hearing what you all think of it, now that it's over :)]]


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